Is There a Sea Lion in the Bathroom?

Ok...day almost 5 (but who's counting) of having some sort of collapse of my immune system which led me to catch what I am referring to as the SFSA flu. (some f**king stupid a**). Besides the general feeling like I've been run over by a truck, there are some other pleasant companions, including sinus stuffiness that requires me to flip sides while trying to sleep every 5 minutes...and a cough that could raise the dead.

A preliminary qualification here....my son loves watching the Animal Planet Channel. Within the course of the last few days (i had to double check what today was...frankly...i still think it's Wednesday, because that was the last time I felt like I wasn't in a bad episode of the Twilight Zone), there must have been something on there about sea lions. Particularly in their vocalization techniques.

You know where I'm going with this. So today..in an attempt to regain a grip on reality...I decided that going to rehearsal for Brighton Beach Memoirs (shameless plug...i'm one of the lead actors) was a grand idea. It was, at the time...a very good decision..because I had a blast. However...the 2nd act requires my character to do a lot of yelling. Which was also a blast (i won't go into detail...but anytime i get to scream at someone else lately? it feels very good...especially if it's SCRIPTED...because in Act 2 of this play...no one yells back. woot.) but had some serious repercussions. Upon arriving home...i was bordering on laryngitis...which, if you know me well enough, means I CAN'T SPEAK. Not cool.

Thinking that resting might help...i sought out the bedroom..with the AC and 90g. Great place to relax and forget that you can't talk to anyone...and really...between the 5yr old and the spouse with Glenn Beck in the livingroom...oh nevermind..i won't go there.....

I fell asleep. It was nice. UNTIL......
my son comes flying into the bedroom screaming, "Mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy.....ow ow ow ow ow". My initial reaction was horror. Oh my good God...what body part fell off?????? It prompted a coughing spell. I kept it at bay while I counted fingers and toes...and then he shows me his pointer finger on his left hand. There is a scratch. A very small scratch. A scratch that did not warrant an alert of the emergency mommy broadcasting system. It was barely visible...it was, however, a papercut...so i tried to sympathize...that is...until the coughing got in the way.

Not wanting my son to think I was going to cough up a lung there on the floor...i went into the bathroom and continued coughing for what seemed like a flippin' eternity. (Very nice perfume, btw. I like it. So does everyone else recently...but i digress.) There is a small knock on the door. It's Liam. "mommy? are you alright?" I can't answer because i'm trying to formulate words through the coughs....i hear footsteps...bigger footsteps...and Glenn Beck (again, don't get me started...but i'm beginning to think this guy lives in my house...because he's EVERYWHERE). "Kat? You okay?" Says another voice over Glenn's. I mistakenly say, "just coughing up a lung." Which now sets off the [B]5yr old emergency broadcasting system[/B]. Liam says, "what???? Dad, do something! That's gonna be bad!"

That....makes me laugh. Okay...not good...because when you laugh, you take deep breaths...which prompts more coughing...only now...these are dry coughs. Let me refer back to the Animal Planet episode. Picture my son, his Dad and Glen Beck at the closed bathroom door. Coughing on the other side. A few seconds go by...there is a small knock on the door...and Liam says, "Mommy? Is there a sea lion in there with you?" Okay, now, I'm laughing/coughing...a great workout for your abs, by the way....there is laughter louder than Glen Beck on the other side of the door (thank God.) and I am envisioning the happy dance Liam is doing as he shouts, "when did we get a sea lion? i love sea lions! Mommy...don't cough on the sea lion! don't get him sick!" I hear Liam's Dad say, "honey, it's just Mommy in there. we don't have a sea lion." followed by some very large laughter...but Liam persists..."no, no...that's a sea lion! on tv! like on tv! Mommy brought home a sea lion!". Now, granted...if ANYONE would bring home a stray or unusual animal...it would be me....

Coughing stops....i wash my face....Glen Beck and the man holding Glen Beck in the TV is gone....and I open the door. Liam is sitting in front of the door...and he's very quiet and a little upset. I had to explain to him that the sound he heard wasn't a sea lion......

.....and keep a straight face.