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random observations, thoughts on life, humorous stories....from the studio while I paint.
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I Cried.

Posted 08/10/2010 at 03:25 AM by superkat

And if you think this isn't a noteworthy topic...you don't know me very well. Because it takes a lot to bring me to that point. It is also interesting because it happened during rehearsal. I am playing "Blanche" in Brighton Beach Memoirs and one of my monologues hit home tonight...I will share:

"I'm not going to let you hurt me, Nora. I'm not going to let you tell me that I don't love you or that I haven't tried to give you as much as I gave Laurie....God knows I'm not perfect, because enough angry people in this house told me so tonight. But I am NOT going to be a doormat for all the frustrations and unhappiness that you or Aunt Kate or anyone else wants to lay at my feet...I did NOT create this universe. I do NOT decide who lives and dies, or who's rich or poor or who feels loved and who feels deprived. If you feel cheated that Laurie gets more than you, then I feel cheated that I had a husband who died at thirty-six. And if you keep on feeling that way, you'll end up like me- with something much worse than loneliness or helplessness and that's self-pity. Believe me, there is no leg that's twisted or bent that is more crippling than a human being who thrives on his own mistortunes...I am sorry, Nora, that you feel unloved and I will do everything I can to change it except apologize for it. I am TIRED of apologizing. After a while it becomes your life's work and it doesn't bring any money into the house. If it's taken your pain and Aunt Kate's anger to get me to start living again, then God will give me the strength to make it up to you, but I will NOT go back to being that frightened, helpless woman that I created! I've already buried someone I love. Now it's time to bury someone I hate."

She also states that "independence is EARNED...it is not taken at the expense of others", and "who are you to judge me like that?"

It wasn't just Blanche saying those words tonight, it was me as well. You see, someone really hurt me...and I NEVER should have let it happen. As I moved into character tonight on the stage and recited these lines...they became real enough to bring me to angry tears.

The only real thing we own is our dignity. And I almost let someone rob me of that...and my joy...and living my life the way I choose to.

Judging someone else...being cruel and hateful breeds a sort of disease in this world. It leads to hate and negativity...it broods resentment, distrust and a lack of charity. It is the very root of all that is wrong in this world, in society. How quickly we are to pull the trigger. To shoot and ask questions later. To ruin someone's day..or year...or life...because you become so wrapped up in your own pitiful world, in your own misfortunes, that you feel it necessary to hurt people around you that you barely know. Worse yet, is trying to apologize to someone who's grave you dug and tried to bury.

Don't even get me started. I hate myself for things that I have done...and it is MUCH harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive others. Others can move on...away...gone...but you have to live with YOURSELF all the time.

Go ahead...forgive someone...but until you forgive yourself and take ownership for any wrongs you have done...your apologies are worthless.

I cried tonight. I cried in the middle of some rehearsed lines because I took ownership. I got angry...and I don't get angry very often. I don't pretend to be anyone I'm not. I purposely align myself with positive people...people who are fighting the good fight..people who, against all odds pick themselves up and TRY. Try to make themselves and the world a better place. You don't do that by continually hurting people and apologizing.

I don't cry or get angry very often because it makes my heart hurt...not just in the emotional state, but physically...my artificial valve can't take it. It sputters...it skips beats and it physically hurts.

Call me psycho. Go ahead. Hurt me all you want...but I will revert to the above words..."I AM NOT GOING TO BE A DOORMAT FOR ALL THE FRUSTRATIONS AND UNHAPPINESS THAT YOU OR ANYONE ELSE WANTS TO LAY AT MY FEET."

Let's get this straight. I am the nicest person in the world. I will give and do and give and do for others at my own expense, day in and day out...but judge me? And my kindness stops. Because who are we to judge others before we have walked in their shoes?

I promise..this is the LAST angry blog you will see here. Someone is dead to me tonight. And I haven't felt like that about anyone since Linda Davidson when I was a child at her birthday party. There was a total eclipse of the sun that day. And she hated me so much because of jealously and envy and greed and that she felt I was spoiled that she told me it was okay to go look at it without any protection. And gullible me? i believed her...and just before I turned my gaze to the sky...her parents, thank God, came and whisked me inside. I hate Linda to this day. She was, until yesterday, the ONLY person I have ever hated. There are now two. And it will stay inside me...until something moves to change that...or until I die.

I pray...I honestly pray that none of you are ever moved into this position. Because it's a terrible place to be. I wish only the best to those who want the best for themselves. I pride myself on being the kind of person that ANYONE can come to for ANYTHING. It is my life's work.
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