Our 400 Gallon In Wall Natural Sun-Lit Reef"

[johnike]

Good to hear from you Joe, been a while.

[NewMariner]

Originally Posted by jdpiii3

Coming home to an empty house is not easy. There is no one to greet you, and the chair opposite mine at the dinner table is empty. The house seems to echo from the silence and I shed a tear as I remember that I’m now alone. So many years together, so many memories the two of us created together is all I have left. Losing a loved one changes your entire life, especially when the loved one was also your best friend. I feel completely lost and totally uncomfortable making even minor decisions. The bed feels big and I hug the pillows for comfort. But something inside me tells me that I can survive!

How does a man pick up the pieces of his life after years of marriage? For me, at first, it seemed impossible. “I simply can’t do this,” I said to myself. This is way too much-way more than anything before. I simply felt unequipped, lacking the strength and courage I thought it took. I had suicidal thoughts while looking for a non-existent exit strategy.

There definitely is something to be said about going through that first calendar year alone. There were the first holidays and the first birthdays. There was that first wedding anniversary. Seeing the balloon heart form in the sky touched my heart and soul I knew at that moment Kelly will always be with me Those first time dated experiences are unsettling landmarks.

Having gone through this memorial year, I don’t want to die young like my wife did. I want to live life to the fullest with the time I have left, enjoying my days.

Joe

You reached into my soul and grabbed these words and put them on the screen for me to read. I know exactly how you feel. Though my wife didn't pass away, but simply left me for another man, these words you speak have pierced my soul. Im sorry for the pain you have endured. Only time will heal wounds. Surround yourself with those who you love and just take it one day at a time.

You have friends here Joe, take advantage of us. If there is anything I can do to help ease the pain, I surely would be happy to help.

[Mrs. Music]

Good to hear from you Joe.

[jdpiii3]

Thank you, everyone

I never imagined when I started building 'Our 400 Gallon Natural Sunlit Reef' it would have ever taken on this kind of life and direction. Even though I've only met a handful of you over the years I think of you all as friends. The words of encouragement from people around the world has given me the strength I've needed on many of my sad days these past few years.

[Kennyg15]

Very touching thread Joe! My deepest sympathies go out to you...I stumbled across your thread because I want to upgrade my tank soon and then was captivated by your love story. I wish you nothing but the best and just want to thank you for sharing all that you have. Peace and happiness to you!

[dave.m]

Glad to know you are okay and that you are hanging in there. It seems pretty obvious to me that you need some new distraction; something to occupy your mind. What better plan than for you to start designing an additional tank or two? Maybe in the 500-1000 gallon range. I'm thinking sharks, or maybe small dolphins. Let me know if you'd like to discuss this idea further.

Dave.M

[jdpiii3]

Originally Posted by dave.m

Glad to know you are okay and that you are hanging in there. It seems pretty obvious to me that you need some new distraction; something to occupy your mind. What better plan than for you to start designing an additional tank or two? Maybe in the 500-1000 gallon range. I'm thinking sharks, or maybe small dolphins. Let me know if you'd like to discuss this idea further.

Dave.M

Hmm, we might need to chat

[jdpiii3]

Hi everyone, sorry for the lack of updates. I've been contemplating a move to Asheville, North Carolina over the last few months. The tank is doing okay :/ I lost most of my SPS because I've be guilty of less then stellar diligent maintenance that the tank had been used to.

With the mounting daily chores around the house, plus caring for Stella, Luna and Ginger and figuring what the next chapter of my life holds I think I need to downsize out of this house. I'll probably change my mind a dozen times before anything happens so the tank isn't coming down anytime soon.

As our anniversary approached this past October, Kelly and I would have been together 26 years. The memories of our life and time we spent with each other does bring me happiness but knowing all that’s left are pictures and stories the sadness and grief is beginning to creep back in.

This is an experience I would not wish upon anyone the pain at times is unbearable. I take comfort in my memories. I know I am on a healing journey and take positive steps to try to learn to live without my love. I constantly check my feelings now and vent them on paper to release my sadness.

Yes, life goes on everything changes I know, I will heal in my own time. I will never be completely the same and some scars will remain but I will wear those scars with pride as they are a sign that I loved with a passion which is what life is all about so please be patient while I am on my positive journey.

Thank you for your continued support.

Joe

[dave.m]

I'm sure you would feel better if you posted a few new photos of your tank.

Dave.M

[ace_92101]

Joe, as always my thoughts and prayers go out to you. Asheville, NC is a nice area. Probably not an area for Solatubes!

[Mrs. Music]

Glad to hear from you Joe. Hugs.

[Anim8me2]

Always good to hear from you Joe. If you ever need a good old South Florida tank hop just let the crew know and we will come running!

[paul4140]

Arms wide open for you.

[jdpiii3]

A couple of days ago an incident happened, and it had nothing to do with Kelly’s dying yet it brought about such great sadness that I lost it for a little while. The pain, the loss, the sorrow, etched so deeply on my broken heart, it has become part of this life I now live. The grief is an added extension that stays without invitation. It's hard, so very hard to accept that it will always be there, hiding at times, waiting to jump out and take my breath away without a moment’s notice. It used to be a startled surprise, now it is expected. I never know when or what will set it off.

Sometimes, the event is not even related to my actual grief. The rawness of the pain was like it was new all over again. I know there will be times like that, when they happen they swamp me so completely that I lose all the progress I have made toward learning to live with my grief. I lose all my baby steps, stumbling strides, and acceptance. Everything crashes for a time. During this time of darkness, I despair. I feel I have fooled myself into believing I am making progress. That it is all an illusion, wishful thinking. I haven't fooled myself, I am being human. Each time I fall, I get up a little quicker, and become a little stronger.

Kelly has been gone twenty-one months, not years but months. She was here a second ago, how can so much time have passed? There will forever be days or moments when the sorrow over-rides everything else. They don't last as long or come as often, but they will be part of me until I die. To say I miss her is an understatement. I can only use words that don't come close to what I feel every day. I use words that have a watered down meaning to what grief really is. So much changed and so much has remained the same, it becomes confusing at times. I look at her picture and accept that she is lost to me for now and then look at it later and stare in disbelief that she is gone. The war my emotions inflict on me is constant and unrelenting. The time of complete darkness without end has passed, but still I live in grayness, the darkness returning at its own whim. Colors return and become shockingly brilliant after so much dimness.

Grief narrows our life down to simplicity. What was once important is no longer a priority. Nature, natural things, are more desirable than what I once wanted in my life. It is a sadness that it takes death, the depth of death, to change my way of seeing the world. My family and friends have thinned out. Some by my choice, others by theirs and I find that it does not bother me now. At first, it was painful, later I saw the necessity. Life becomes simpler because of this weeding out process. A process I did not ask for nor want, but have no choice but to accept and forget it. It is not worth the pain, I’ve had enough of that already.

I have heard people say it would seem to them that you would hold those you love closer after losing one you love so much. That is not how it works. We sometimes distant ourselves from that love out of fear of more pain. Only after time has passed do you start to hold others close again. Grief opens your eyes to who you want to be around and whom you don't. It is true that no matter how much you loved someone before grief, you may not love after loss. Part of that is because of how they treat you during your darkest days, it cements your feelings toward them. Part of it is the change. You cannot force yourself to love if the love is not there. I need to stop beating myself up over something I have no control over. It is a tortured, winding road that I travel as I learn to live life all over again. If I carry guilt over every little thing whether it is in my control or not, I impede my ability to grow within my grief.

I still don't sleep much or eat right. It has become a learning process. I have to force myself to do many things that came naturally before. I have to learn to want to live and enjoy my life again even as I live with my sorrow. I have to stop the world from telling me where I should be on this road. It is an empty, featureless road without signs to tell me where the next emotion is, what the next step is. Or if there are ones who will cause me emotional harm, I need to learn to step away without guilt. Sometimes, there is just too much going on and it becomes overwhelming. This is when I step back into total darkness for a little while if only to get away from the demands of an uncaring world. I cannot stay there, I need to reach for my own light and find my joy. With love, from a forever husband.

[Ziggyreef]

no words just know we are here with you

[dave.m]

So how is that beautiful tank of yours doing?

Dave.M

[jdpiii3]

I Am a Widower - Year Two

While getting my spare room ready for a friend this past weekend, I came across Kelly’s lipstick case. It lay there on the nightstand small and silver, with some subtle scratch marks on it from the many times she had slid it in and out of her purse. She was never without it on most days. I felt the warm tears welling up in my eyes as I picked it up and held it and looked at my refection in the mirror attached to it. I could still see her fingers on it in my mind and heart and I almost believed it would be warm from her touch, even after these two long years she’s been gone. It wasn't.

Most days, I go about my business of living life as it is now, but today ~ well ~ she was right there. Her blue eyes smiling at me, her easy laugh. As the song says “just out of reach of my two empty arms”. And so I think to myself, “will there ever be a day when she doesn't pop in?” and of course, the answer is “I certainly hope not.”

It is two years since my wife was called home to Heaven that comes as a shock to my heart. During this time, I have been asked many times, by many people if I have begun to move on or move forward with my life. It puzzles me as to what this really means. I still have moments where it slams into me that Kelly is truly gone. While my brain knows this, my heart does not accept it. I have carried on, month after month, learning a new life, accepting that my loved one is gone, trying to get past the grief and sorrow.

When I hear people say to just move on, I know they have not gone through the kind of grief that I have. I can't just move on. Actually, I have moved on in lots of ways. Her memory will always be with me, because I loved her and we shared a life. Yes, I can survive. I don't cry every day anymore. I can hold it together most of the time. But then there are those times when her aura surrounds me like a warm hug, and I am forever grateful that she loved me, too. This silver lipstick case is safe and it’s with me, right where it should be.

I talk about or write of my loss, I am just scratching the surface of what I really feel. The grief is so shocking, there are no words to honestly describe what it is, what I am truly feeling. That may be for the best because as I talk to others, they cannot comprehend the small amount of sorrow I share, the true depth would be more than others could take. Many have asked what they could do to help me get beyond this. The thoughts are instant and I am thankful the words do not leave my lips. Can you un-break my heart? Can you give me back my lost one? Can you make me forget? Then I hear the dreaded words, "We want the old you back. It's been a while, why aren't you over this yet? I don't know who you are anymore." Again, I bite my tongue for the truth is more than they can take. This is me now. The old me is gone forever. I will never 'get over it.' Can you un-break my heart?

I am so very tired, deep down to my core, of hearing platitudes that sound like, "Give it time, it will get better." Yes, I realize these words are meant to be comforting. However in reality, they aren't. All such words do is keep me from sharing with you how I am truly faring.

"Give it time." What other choice have I got? Aside from suicide, there is no other choice but to give it time. I can't stop time. God knows I wish I could have just stopped the world for a while so I could catch my breath and get my feet back under me. But I can’t. Life keeps marching on all around me, mostly oblivious to my pain. Friends who had called on me, and asked how I am doing have mostly stopped. Their lives have marched on, leaving me to feel like I should be able to continue, as well. Just stand up, dust myself off, and take that next step. But the loss is still debilitating. The tears are always just beneath the surface, threatening to mar my sad-but-calm mask. Give it time. As if I could do something about it.

"It will get better." Maybe. Probably. Though not in the short span of time you think I should feel better. Years and years down the road, I may find a day when I can think about her, about what we shared, and not have it closely followed by what was supposed to be and the inevitable wave of loss and sorrow. I will never in this life get over her death. I will, eventually, find joy again in living, but not anytime soon.

I heard others say the second year is worse than the first because you are in a fog the first year, the second is only too real. I wasn't in that fog, but they are right, our second anniversary brought me to my knees. The first one after Kelly died was only a couple months after she passed. The shock and disbelief held away at that time. It was a hard, horrible day without relief but I got through it somehow. This second one destroyed me. The emotions were so sudden and unexpected; the dark days in the beginning became child's play in comparison. Nothing before prepared me for this, nothing. I thought I had hit my deepest sorrow during the first year. I didn't, it was waiting for me all this time. I know that it sneaks up on me at any time and any little thing can set it off. I didn't know that it could be almost as bad as the moment she passed, nothing could be as bad as that, but it can almost equal that day. Now that I know, maybe I will be more prepared when our anniversary comes again.

A few weeks after Kelly died, a woman told me that it is up to me to move on and get over it. She said how it was just a matter of doing it. I asked her when did you lose your husband and what bit of magic did she use to 'get over' it. Hmm, she had never been married. She knew a wife that gotten over it just fine. Recently, I met someone who said “they made the choice to not be sorrowful over death since we all die.” They mentioned how they had buried many and they choose to laugh, and smile. They never lost a wife. I hope they never cross that road and find out if their philosophy holds true. Don't misunderstand, if they can do that I am happy for them. They don't realize they are a rare breed. They assume that if they can do that, everyone can. We are each different from the other, so one must learn to be open minded and understand that what one can do, another may not be able to. I hope this person is not in denial themselves, but that this truly works for them.

As days pass into months, and months into years I slowly get my bearings again. I silently congratulate myself with each mile stone I pass, each achievement I make. I think I am healing a little, not much, but a little bit at a time. The firsts have come and gone and I made it though, painfully but still, I made it through. I am still in a minefield of emotions and pain but I am learning where to step to make it less hurtful when things explode around me. I talk to people, I try to conquer the phobias I have developed since Kelly’s passing. I work hard every day just living and breathing. I hold those I love closer because I know the delicacy of life, and how quick it is gone. I have questions that will never be answered and it haunts me in my dreams at times. I have had other losses as well to learn to deal with. The ones who left me because they could not handle my grief or for other reasons. Though all of this, it is still just the surface of the iceberg those around me see for I do not have the words to tell them the whole of it. Grief is hard work, it is exhausting, it is every moment of every day and I don't know if that is forever or not. I don't know if I will heal a little, a lot, or at all. When I fall, I think I have failed and that is how life is going to be.

There will be many things I will try in my effort to accept my loss. Still, my heart will stay in denial for how can one so loved just suddenly... stop. While I move forward and heal in many different areas, this is one area that will forever hold this lasting sorrow. It is not so much a heart in denial as it is the price we pay for love. My wife is gone, everything about her lives on. I still stumble across things that were hers and the memories rush in. You can no easier stop that from happening then you can hold your breath for an hour. For a long time all I could see was Kelly’s face that last time. All I could hear was her voice telling me 'I love you, sweetie.' That’s not as constant now as it was, but it still happens. One learns to expect nothing and accept all. Our world of contradictions.

When the time comes, maybe in months, maybe in years, when I will want things to change, I know that it will never be the same again, how could it? But I want to feel better. Feeling better does not mean I will not still grieve, it means I am accepting the changes in my life and learning to live with them. I think my heart will always be at war with my brain, but they have to co-exist too. Even though my heart does not accept her loss, my brain knows she is gone. Tears fall but there is laughter too. Dreams for our future have stopped, but there are still dreams for others. Scary at first, but that is a part of learning to live again. Giving your love to those that love you. Pushing away the fear that they too will be gone one day. We all will be, it is a fact.

It saddens me that even though we are in the age of knowledge at our fingertips, as I grieve I will be judged. I carry that burden as well. I know, every waking moment that those that have passed and I have loved will never be within my reach again. I know that I need to pay attention to those still here. In time, if given time, I will do just that. In this hurry up world, few want to give that time. The world moves on whether I move with it or not. Time is my enemy for it takes me further away from that last moment of their lives. It also, at the same time, puts a cushion between me and my loss. So while my heart will deny, I still move forward. Too many stay outside of this and believe that all I do is spend all my time in my grief. If only they really knew what I am doing.

I miss Kelly every single day. I do not dwell on it, it just is. I am not ashamed of that. I am not ashamed of the tears. I have done things that others cannot possibly understand, but I know I am doing mostly the right things, what is right for me and those I love. I am an imperfect human and really, not ashamed of that either. I see the world differently and react to it differently. And yes, I am happy with who I am. I do not know where I am going. I do not know which direction is the right direction or if there is even a right direction. Sometimes, I do not care. I do not know how many times I will pick myself up when I have fallen. Falling is the easy part, desire to continue is not. I have to learn to put my fears aside. I have to learn who I am and what I want. I have to learn to stop allowing emotions to have constant rule. So many unknowns in an alien world that was once home.

'Forever a Husband'

[johnike]

Good morning Joe, good to hear from you.

[jdpiii3]

I know it's been some time since I have updated, stay tuned. Thank you for your continued support. Natural sunlight

[dave.m]

Great to see you're still up and running!

Dave.M

[Zosyn]

Good to hear from you! There are a couple threads I search for every few months when I have a moment to visit RC. Your thread is one I alway come back to. Hope all is well, keep us updated!

[reefwiser]

Getting the grief to the surface is the best medicine. Get a GOOD therapist. How can help you deal with your pain it is real and no "it will get better" will make your pain go away.

[Mrs. Music]

Hey Joe, that is one heck of a spider in those solar tubes!

[Mrs. Music]

Joe, as painful as it is to read your posts about the loss of Kelly, I want you to know I read them, I weep, and say a little prayer....of thankfulness for the blessings my life, and for comfort for you. Hugs, friend.

[jdpiii3]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Music

Hey Joe, that is one heck of a spider in those solar tubes!

Thank you Mrs. Music.

lol it was tiny.. it's gone now.